I Miss You
by ashes at midnight
Summary: 12 years he had to contemplate what could have been.


**Disclaimer: Sirius belongs to the ever talented JK Rowling. **

…

**I Miss You**

Sirius sighed as he laid down on the hard thin mattress, his arms resting behind his head. He stretched his legs out in front of him and slowly looked up at the ceiling.

Being located in the middle of the North Sea had its perks, but it was also had its cons. The centuries were taking their toll on the prison, and much of it was starting to crumble. The erosive salt and wind that constantly whistled through the building was slowly eating away at the stone.

Soon the prison itself would crumble and fall into the sea, taking the prisoners with it.

Sirius didn't care about any of that, he didn't care about anything these days, not now that there was nothing left. Not when he was in here and she was out there. _  
_  
Coldness and despair slowly filled the cell and he shivered, wrapping his arms around himself and sitting up, leaning back against the wall and putting himself as far away from the bars as he could. One of _them_ slowly glided into view, its breath rattling through its mouth as it turned its head and looking down at him. Its cloak covering its face its hands underneath its robe.

For a second it stood motionless, breathing in a raspy breath, sucking all the warmth out him and leaving him shivering on the bed. Finally, appearing satisfied that he was in the cell the Dementor turned away and headed back down the passage.

The man in the cell next to his started screaming, high-pitched shrieks of terror. With a wince of pain Sirius covered his sensitive ears to keep from hearing the pitiful sounds.

Day in, day out, this was the life of a prisoner of Azkaban. This was what he was reduced to. Surrounded by lunatics, never seeing the light of day.

With a sigh, his dark mood returned with a vengeance. He shouldn't have even been here.  
He kicked the edge of his bed in anger and slumped down against the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

Five years he had been in this waking nightmare, never being able to leave.

What made it even worse was that the love of his life was out there, without him.

She was his angel, the saviour of his soul when he was almost lost. She brought him out of the depression his family had left him in. She didn't care that he was a Black and a blood traitor. All she cared about was him.

She was muggle born, her father was a construction worker her mother a teacher in Fleet. Both of them completely shocked when she got her letter to Hogwarts.

She was different from anyone he had ever met, she didn't care about his family, or the money he had been set to inherit, not like some of the other girls at school when they found out who he was.

She loved with everything she had and was one of the sweetest people he had ever met. He only wished he could be out there with her.

He could see her clearly in his mind's eye, her midnight hair was always kept short, and framing her delicate heart shaped face. Her eyes were a brilliant shade of sky blue; he could get lost within her eyes. She was so beautiful. She was a part of him. She made him whole, and without her he was broken and bruised.

He remembered the last time he had held her in his arms. Caressing her body, his lips against hers. Tears had pricked at her eyes as they had made love for the last time. It had been the night before his trial, and he knew that something terrible was going to happen.

Never in his life would he have guessed just how terrible it would become.

She had cried as the verdict had been read out. His heart ached as he watched the tears slowly fall down her porcelain cheeks. He couldn't do anything, he couldn't help her. That day he lost his soul and ended up in this barren place, leading a life of sorrow, slowly going out of his mind.

It was only thoughts of her that kept him sane in this insane place. It was hard, going on, eating every day. Sometimes it was so easy to give up, to just…stop. To let the world pass him by without even twitching a finger. But alas, his pride, and the Black trait of self-preservation kept coming back to haunt him. Never letting him take that final breath, and end the torment. Self-preservation was a horrid thing in this never-ending void of despair.

Whenever he caught himself thinking this way, he always thought of her, and the way she made him feel. He clung to those precious memories like a baby clings to its mother, or a child clutches its candy.

He clung to those memories and fought back, keeping himself sane when all around him the screams of the insane became louder and louder. Despite their best efforts, the Dementors couldn't take those thoughts away from him,

They were not happy thoughts, they were filled with longing and loss, anguish and despair. The pain of losing someone, of never being able to see and touch her again, was so painful that it tore his insides out just as effectively as if she had been dead.

And yet they kept him strong. His eyes glowed with the fire of revenge, knowing that someday he would get out; someday he would be with her again.

Sirius reached into the pocket of his shirt and extracted a small, gold band. He twisted it within his fingers and turned it up towards the faint light coming through the high window. The engagement ring sparkled. He had bought it for her all those years ago, had been planning to take her down the aisle, but life has other plans.

He had been walking home after buying the ring when a man had stumbled up to him and whispered the words he had been dreading. _James and Lily are dead. _Even now years later the words still haunt him, his guilt that this could have easily been prevented eating at him.

A few days later he ran into Peter on the street. He knew that Peter had been their secret keeper, the only one beside the Potters themselves who knew the truth. He confronted him. Never expecting the events that would occur.

There was a crater in the street and Peter was scampering down into the sewer before he even had time to blink. He laughed, finding it dreadfully ironic, and when the hit-wizards came to take him away the ring was still in my pocket.

He never even got the chance to give it to her, never got the chance to even see her again.

Sighing he slowly stood up, legs cracking with the effort. He walked over to the sink in the corner and slowly turned the water on. Dirty brown water came gushing out of the tap, only slightly less dirty than his hands. He put his hand over the basin and slowly let go of the ring. It fell and gave a soft clang as it hit the side of the basin, then the wall of water swept it up and washed it down the drain.

With no emotion showing on his thin face Sirius turned the tap off and watched the last drops of water flow down the basin sides.

Finally after all these years he had let her go. It was no use anymore; there was no hope for him, no hope for her to be with him.

He needed to stop living a life he could never have, to stop dreaming of the things he knew were impossible to have and to face the horror of reality. He was alone, alone with his thoughts and feelings. Oh, how he missed her so.

He turned and slumped on the bed, his hands pressed against his face, quiet sobs slowly racked his wasted body. He was crying, he had finally cracked.

**A/N: Thanks for readying everyone, I hope you enjoyed it. This is an old story, originally posted on another site about 7 years ago. I've been wanting to re-do it for ages, and a recent resurgent in HP love confirmed it. LOL  
**

**Thanks all,**

Ashes 


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